About Us… The Divorce Guys!

This website began as a side project for three recently divorced guys (Chris, Joe, & Michael).  It seemed that we had way too much time on our hands and after talking about it for so long we made the plunge.  With Chris (that’s me) and his experience in building websites at the helm, mensdivorcehq.com was launched in 2007 and was used as a means to describe all of our divorce experiences and offer some help for other men who were going through their own marriage problems.

Soon our site became much more popular than any of us had ever expected, and it was starting to take up a much bigger part of our day-to-day life.  Our little hosting account was getting overwhelmed with visitors, and our email in-boxes were literally overflowing.  This had become a problem for Joe and Michael, whose lives were getting back to normal and had less time to help with the site.  Ultimately, the site had to come down near the end of 2009 because we felt that it wasn’t getting the attention that it deserved.

But somewhere along the way, I had developed a personal mission to help out as many men as possible who were going through a divorce.  And after ditching some of my other internet projects, I set to re-launch mensdivorcehq.com.  This time it would be more professional, have better organization, and a newsletter that would hopefully answer some questions that would have otherwise ended up in the site’s in-box once again.

So a completely renovated “Divorce Advice for Men” re-opened in February, 2010, which leads us to where we are today.  I have taken up full ownership of the site, and work on it everyday (aside from my regular 9 to 5).  Joe and Michael are still contributors and try to help out whenever they can.  They often write out some information that is added to the website and/or newsletter, but their time is still very limited.

But this site is here to stay, so why not move on to more information about us and what experiences we have had with divorce. To give you an idea of what we have all gone through here is a short breakdown.  If you take to time to read this over, you will not only come to understand why this website was launched in the first place, but you will realize that all divorces are different and it is best know what to expect and be prepared for anything.

But is important that you note… “I (as well as Joe & Michael) am not a divorce lawyer so any information that I offer should not be construed as legal advice.  But I am all very familiar with certain aspects on the how the divorce process works so I can present and discuss your options with you“

• First you have me, who had some trouble when it comes to getting a divorce, but I didn’t get hit the hardest of all three of us.  You’ll get to see that in a minute.  My biggest problem was that I was a little too confident going into my divorce.  My wife did not cheat on me, but after more than 3 years together, she had managed to get into several legal problems, including felony theft, embezzlement, and fraud.  I don’t know how much it contributed but soon after she developed some mental problems and became very abusive.  It was only a matter of time before I realized that I couldn’t help her and keep my sanity at the same time.  But oddly enough she asked for a separation before I could, which I obliged. We tried marriage counseling, but she never wanted to take ANY responsibility for our problems.  It was always my fault so that obviously didn’t work out.  The only positive thing we were able to do before it got nasty was agree to the terms of a separation agreement.  We didn’t have any children, but we had our own home, a house full of marital property, a couple of cars, and what amounted to a great deal of debt.  But soon after, the divorce lawyers got involved and she stopped cooperating immediately.

Due to her own legal issues, my wife never made it to a single court date, but her family spent a great deal of money on a divorce attorney who tried everything to drag out the divorce for as long as he could.  The main issue was the separation agreement where I agreed to take on the majority of the credit card debt in exchange for the house, the cars, and only a handful of the marital property.  This was something that I had to deal with because all the credit cards were in my name and I knew that she would not do anything about it hence my credit would be a lot worse off than it already was.  For instance, I found out that she had taken out a credit card in my name and had the statements sent to her work.  I didn’t find out about it until I started getting calls from the credit card company because she decided to stop making payments after maxing it out.  I finally got a copy of my credit report, and I saw the account with a $6,600 balance that was issued less than a year earlier.  Obviously this was the final straw for me.

The main issue was that her family did not like the separation agreement for two main reasons.  One was the house, which they felt they were entitled to half of the equity (which only amounted to about $2500). But the big kicker was a loan from her family, which she agreed to take full responsibility for because it was issued to make good on all her legal problems.  I personally loved how they added nearly 20% in interest charges, but only after they realized that the marriage was over.  This was a large sum of money (around $80,000) and given her past history, my ex would not likely pay a single penny on it.  So they wanted to make me responsible.  Her divorce attorney claimed that my ex was not in “her right mind” when she agreed to the terms of the separation agreement.  Fortunately, the judge ruled on my side and actually went so far to say that the separation agreement was written up better than %95 of the regular divorce attorneys he deals with.

My divorce was finalized more than a year after it began.  This happened regardless of the fact that my ex-wife never made it to a single court date (most of the time she was incarcerated for probation violations that occurred after we separated).  Her divorce attorney continually denied knowing anything about her other legal problems.  He was simply payed to draw out the whole process and vehemently fight against the separation agreement.  The funny thing was that after the judge accepted the agreement, her family stopped paying for her lawyer.  In all my divorce cost me nearly $7,000 in legal fees, $30,000 in credit card debt, and a whole lot of stress and sleepless nights.  But if I didn’t have the foresight to do the research and draw up the separation agreement while we were still on good terms, my divorce could have turned into an absolute disaster just because her family had more money than I did to throw down for legal fees and divorce attorneys.  But I am single again and will definitely spend a lot more time on a relationship before I ever consider getting married again.

• Joe had been cheated on by his wife after just a year and a half of being married. He had suspected something was going on for a while, but he did not have enough proof to justify any further action.  That is, of course, until she slipped up and used their joint credit card for a night out on the town.  Unfortunately, Joe wasn’t with her that night as she was supposed to be working on graphic design project at work.  He didn’t blow it out of proportion. In fact, he didn’t even confront her on it until he did some detective work of his own.  Once he had enough “dirt”, he finally talked to her about it at which time she had no way of denying it.  The odd thing was that neither of them were angry about it.  She was very sorry about having fallen in love with someone else and Joe was simply heartbroken. They knew that a divorce was inevitable.  They had no children… Had not bought a house yet… And had only a handful of things that would have been considered marital property.

Now this is the part where I actually get to envy them.  They separated for a couple of months as she moved out of the apartment.  He did a great deal of research on the net and found out how he could get all the necessary divorce forms to fill out and where to file them.  Next thing you know they were legally divorced. He spent a little over $500 to get it done, and they did not even have to talk to a single divorce lawyer.  Now besides the whole cheating wife issue, if you have to get a divorce this is the smoothest way to go about it… An uncontested divorce with no lawyers, just the necessary forms, a notary, the county clerk’s office, and Joe was a single man again.

• And finally the last guy in our little group is Michael, who went through the type of divorce that every man fears.  A divorce with an outcome that should make people realize just how bad it is to be a man in a divorce, and just how nasty a divorce attorney can get if winning is more important to him/her than ethics.  In reality, I could probably write a book about what Mike went through, but I am just going to focus on the most important/damaging issues.  Besides Mike has actually talked about writing a book, or at least a guide, which may necessary just for him to get back on his feet financially.  Yes, it really was that bad!

Mike was married for just under 10 years, he had two boys (ages 3 and 8), had a house that was purchased just a year after the marriage, and a wife who become a stay-at-home mom after the birth of their second child.  His marriage was actually going downhill prior to the birth of his second son, but their was period afterward where things seemed to be improving.  But a couple years later, his wife started back into being depressed and unhappy with their marriage.  Mike says that they went to counseling for almost 6 months, but it appeared to do little in bringing any spark back to their marriage.  He will admit that his career was taking more and more of his time, but there was also more pressure on him to provide for his family.  Despite these problems, he was still stunned when his wife asked for a divorce and he spent a great deal of effort and time to convince her that things can get better.  But unfortunately, during this same time his wife had already hired a divorce attorney and they were already making plans to tear Mike down.

The first major blow was when a sheriff’s deputy showed up at his work to serve him with a restraining order stating that he was threatening his wife with physical harm ever since she asked for a divorce.  The restraining order stated that he was not allowed to return to his home, make any contact with his wife, or even talk to his kids.  The accusations were all out lies that his wife was acting on under the full guidance of her attorney.  I have known Mike for nearly 13 years, and have never seen him once raise his voice at his wife or his kids, but the accusations basically claimed he was a rage-filled monster.  And even then he showed no anger, he became seriously depressed, but never said one bad thing about his wife or even her attorney.  But as you would expect his other friends and I probably did enough bad-mouthing for everyone involved.  At this point Mike had to get a police escort just to go back to his house to get some clothes and was forced to move in with a friend.  He finally realized his marriage was over and was forced to find an attorney himself.

Although his number one priority was to get to see his kids as soon as possible, his lawyer seemed more concerned about the division of marital property and assets, which made Mike feel even worse.  But there was really nothing that he could do until he got in front of a judge to try and tell his side of the story.  This is supposed to happen within 2 weeks of the order, but with an overrun court system Mike didn’t get his day in court for over a month.  We all stood in court for Mike as a testament to his character and he was eventually allowed to see his kids 2 weekends a month, but was still not allowed into his home or to speak with his wife.  By this time, the divorce attorneys have completely taken over the case, and started bickering about every possible thing, every little piece of property, every single cent that Mike and his wife had between them.  He had lost any little bit of control that he had over his case… it turned into an utter disaster.

To make a very long story short, it took over 2 years for everything to be finalized.  And Mike ended up with the raw end of the deal on just about everything.  The child custody situation remained unchanged throughout the case.  He got his kids every other weekend, half of the holidays, and two weeks during the summer.  He was ordered to pay his wife’s legal fees, alimony (aka maintenance payments) until she finished getting her college degree and could find a suitable job.  He was also ordered to pay child support, which he was not bothered by, except for that fact that his ex does not use any of the money on the children.  He still has to buy his boys their clothes, pay for 100% of their daycare even though his ex doesn’t have a job and goes to classes 3 1/2 hours a day, and still drops off groceries once a week.  In the end, she got the house (he has a one bedroom apartment 10 minutes away), she gets almost 75% of his paycheck (until she actually finishes school and gets a job), and he has spent a great deal of time trying to fight some severe depression.  In addition to the huge emotional toll that this has had on Mike, he ended up paying nearly $65,000 for both his and his ex-wife’s legal fees.

When it first launched, working on this website has been the best therapy for all of us.  I have dedicated a lot of time to making sure that the things we have all learned from our divorces don’t fall by the wayside.  That they can be used by anyone who visits the site, takes the time to read through the information, isn’t afraid to comment on the posts or send in questions.  The only way that I know how to make things better is by interacting with visitors, and that is what I look forward to the most.  If you can gain just one bit of information that you can use to make things easier and/or get a better outcome in your divorce, then I know that this hasn’t been a waste of time.  And if you multiply that by the thousands of visitors that come to this site every week, then I get this feeling that what we all went through really wasn’t that bad after all.

I hope that you enjoy the site and come back as often as you can, even after your divorce is over, so that you can help add even more information and make this the best divorce site for men anywhere on the Internet.  I promise that contributing and helping other guys get through what could very well turn out to be one of the lowest points in their lives will have a positive effect on your outlook as well!!