As you will soon see, Item #3 of the divorce checklist is where the real action begins.  The time has come to stop questioning yourself.  The time to be depressed about the end of you marriage is over, and you need to get excited at the chance that you will soon be a “free man” again.  You have spent a lot of your energy wondering where everything went wrong, and whether or not your marriage was worth saving.  Some of you tried to no avail, others knew that there was no point in saving something that turned out to be so miserable.  It is extremely difficult to fight love, and if that love is strong enough it makes us do stupid things, like get married to a person who has only showed one side to us.  And it’s sad to think that it is a common thought among women..”I am married now, I don’t have to try so hard anymore”.  Ironically, it is often a thought like this that leads to them being divorced.

Hopefully, you have done your homework up until now.  You have created a private side to you that will help launch you back into the world once the divorce is over.  You contained all your finances, and prevented yourself from falling deeper in the hole.  You have taken the time to research the better known divorce attorneys in your area, and have possibly talked to one or two of them.  You should have an idea by now about what your divorce has in store for you.  Are you in for an all-out court battle, or you going to be able agree, sign some forms, shake hands, and part ways?  In reality, 90% of all divorces are somewhere in between, but the closer you come to achieving the latter, the better of both of you will be at the end of the day.

There are a number of questions that you need answers for and some action you need to take before you can move on from this stage.  Does your state require you to be separated for a certain period of time before you can file for a divorce?  Have you officially separated from your wife, and if you are still staying in the same home, do you have proper documentation of when the marriage separation began?  Have you spoken to her about how you are going to split up the debts and assets?  In most states, it is a 50/50 split, but you need to know the actual details of that split.

And what about a divorce attorney?  Are you and your wife going to be one of the lucky ones who can start and finish your divorce with total agreement and  thus have no need for a divorce attorney.  If not then you should be very close to hiring an attorney by this point in your divorce.  And if you haven’t gone so far as to find some good attorneys and/or haven’t consulted with any of them, then you need to get the ball rolling on this immediately.  I would be shocked to find that your wife hasn’t at least talked to one attorney by this point.  She will likely be the one to actually file the divorce, but you need to be ready for it.

How about the emotional roller coaster you are about to get on?  Up to this point, you have been probably feeling a lot of resentment and/or depression.  But now that the ball is going to start rolling a lot faster and your emotions are going to do the same.  Some days you will feel fine, others will be filled with anger.  The stress will pile up and you will have problems sleeping, even if you have never had this issue before.  But it is not all bad, some days you will actually find happiness and/or excitement because something has really gone your way.  The emotions that YOU will actually go through will be tough to predict, but it is crucial that you don’t let them steer your decision making.  Use your brains, not your emotions, to make the decisions from here on out.  If, for instance, you let anger rule your decision making, then there will be a very bumpy road ahead of you.

We will go over all these issues and more.  There will be tips that help with you make educated decisions, and other information on how to get through this step with as little stress as possible, and your finances intact.

Quick Review of Item #3 of the Divorce Checklist

• If you haven’t completed some of the goals of the previous section, it’s time to make some progress.
• This step will require some of the biggest decisions yet, with the exception of the deciding to get a divorce.
• The marriage separation becomes a part of the divorce process now, not just a way to get away from your wife for a while.
• Each state has different rules/requirements for the marriage separation and you need to know what your state has to say about it.
• If you determine that a divorce attorney will be required, you need to be moving rather quickly on this.
• The divorce attorney will make sure that everything that is done from here on out will be accepted into your divorce case.
• Be ready for the emotions to start spinning.  There will be such a change from day to day, you will likely start to feel a lot of stress, anger, pressure, and even embarrassment.  It’s normal, but DO NOT let it cloud your judgment.
• As always send us an e-mail, if there are specific questions that you cannot find an answer to.

In item #2 of the divorce checklist, we will go over some different strategies and information that you will need to take into account, plans that need to be made in case you have to take quick action once your efforts to save your marriage stop working and/or things start taking a turn for the worse.  Some of you may be here because you are considering a divorce, others are here because you already know in your mind that you are getting a divorce and a few of you just learned that your wife has suddenly demanded a divorce.  In any case, once you determine that a divorce is inevitable you need to start preparing immediately.  Your livelihood, your future may be at stake here, and its imperative that you stay one step ahead of everyone else.

The primary reason why you have to be a head of the game is because you are already starting out from behind.  Unless you have been purposely ignoring everything that has to do with divorce (i.e. TV, news, magazines, the internet) for the majority of your life, you already know that there is still a gender bias in our country’s divorce process.  For the better part of our history, the men in a divorce have been required to keep providing for his ex-wife for well after the divorce.  This was important in the past when the husband was the primary source of income while the wife took care of the house and family.  Just think back to any 50’s or 60’s television show when they often depicted the “perfect family life”… The husband announces that he is home from a long day at the office as the family sits down to a big dinner that the wife has been busy preparing all afternoon.

Times have changed a lot since those days, and yet the divorce process is still lagging behind.  Women are now more likely to have careers, they have just as much education, and earn an income that is comparable to their husbands.  Sure they still have the children (we couldn’t change that even if we wanted to), but that no longer means that she is required to become a stay-at-home Mom.  There are laws that protect their jobs, when they have to take time off to have a child.  Stay-at-home dads are even becoming more common.  Equal rights for women have progressed a lot in this country, as they should, and yet there is still the issue where the wife is considered the victim of a divorce.  And oftentimes, under the guidance of her divorce attorney, she plays the part very well.

So in order to generate a level playing field, you as the man in the divorce is going to have to work a lot harder than anyone else.  That is the way it is, and is not going to change anytime soon, so it’s not worth dwelling on it for any longer than it takes to read this post.  Use the time you have now wisely.

This time should be used for gathering information.  Information on your assets, your debts, and all sources of income.  Now is the time to speculate on what your divorce will bring you.  Are you lucky enough to have a uncontested divorce that you can finish quickly and at minimal cost? Or will it turn into an all-out divorce battle?  If you are going to need a divorce attorney, now is the time to do some research and schedule consultations (But don’t hire anyone yet, unless you absolutely need to).  Also, during this time, keep your emotions at bay!  Don’t go getting yourself into a bind because you can’t control your anger, resentment, and/or jealousy.  Besides the less emotion that you show, the more mysterious you will be to your wife.  It makes it hard for her to guess what you are up to, giving you more freedom to plan your next move.

The most important thing is that you do not fall behind on what you need to get done.  It is very easy to do during this period because there is no one there to direct you, you don’t know how long you have before things really start to heat up, and unless you are able to go days without sleep, and/or going to work, you will not know what exactly your wife is up to.  We will try and give you some guidance on what to do during this time, but because every marriage and divorce is different, it is impossible to cover every detail.  So you will have to make some decisions on your own!

Quick Review of Item #2 of the Divorce Checklist

• Now is not the time to sit and wait for something to happen… Now is the time to prepare for what is to come!
• You, as the man in the divorce, are going to start from behind; that the nature of the divorce process in this country.
• If doesn’t look like you are working harder than everyone else, then your not doing enough.
• You need to start gathering important information (ie financial info) and storing it in a safe place.
• It’s time to determine if you will need a divorce attorney, if so, do your research and schedule consultations.
• Keep your emotions in check! One outburst could certainly lead to problems and gives your wife too much ammo.
• Do Not Move Out of Your House Voluntarily! This in itself has repercussions.  If you want to move out, then make sure the time is right.
• Prepare yourself mentally for what is to come.  Remember, the woman that you are divorcing is obviously not the same woman that you married.
• As always send us an e-mail, if there are specific questions that you cannot find an answer to.

A divorce actually begins way before you hire a divorce attorney or file a petition with the courts.  It officially starts when your feelings for your wife begin to change.  It starts when the idea of separating from her becomes a common thought in your head and yet you feel comfortable with it.  This may not mean that you will divorced by this time next year.  But it does say, that at least in your mind, she is no longer a part of your long term future.

Now these feelings may not start with you, actually there is a strong possibility that you may be the one on the other side of the fence here.  Statistics say that way more that 50% of the time, the actual divorce process is initiated by the woman in the marriage.  But at the same time these feelings of growing apart could be mutual, the same thoughts that are going through each of your heads.  Rarely do you find that one partner in the marriage is completely oblivious to the fact that their relationship is in trouble.  Now that’s not to say that your wife won’t act completely surprised or stunned when the topic of a separation or divorce is finally brought up, but believe me, she knew that things were not going well.  But regardless of who decides to come forward first, without any intervention there is a strong possibility that you will be a divorced man some time in the future.

The only way the someone or something will be able to intervene in the break down of your marriage is if you (or your wife) recognizes these feelings and wants to make an honest effort improve the marriage.  Otherwise; it will continue to build up until it reaches the point where someone finally stands up and says those for little words… “I Want A Divorce”.  By this point, neither of you can deny the problems with your marriage and the probability of being able to change or reverse the situation reduces significantly.

Now I am not saying that pulling your marriage back from the brink of divorce is impossible at this point.  There are several steps that you and your wife can take to make an honest effort to save your marriage, but these exact same steps would have been much more effective if the effort was made prior to this point.  For instance, turning to friends and family for advice or going to marriage counseling may help reconcile your feelings, your anger, your resentment, your withdrawal from your wife.  But at least one of you has to make a 100% honest effort to make this change; Obviously if both of you puts forth this same effort , the chances of avoiding a divorce increase even more.

So at this point, regardless if you and your wife have began to talk about a separation and/or divorce, you have a very important decision to make.  Are you willing to make an honest effort to save your marriage?  The key here is that you need to be willing to compromise and put in the hard work that will be required to keep your marriage going, which will be even more difficult if there are circumstances that have caused some serious damage to your relationship (ie. infidelity, abuse, etc).  Most people around you will say that they are all for seeing you and your wife work things out and avoid the hell that your divorce would likely turn in to, but if neither of you have the desire than it is not worth the effort of just going through the motions.  A divorce will be difficult enough without the added stress of seeing your efforts to save your marriage go without any improvement.

If you do choose to make a go at avoiding a divorce, we are going to provide you with some basic information on where you can begin.  But if you have taken the time to read about what we went through in our marriages and subsequent divorce, I am sure that you will notice that neither Joe, Mike or myself was able to (or even given the chance to) save our marriages.  But all is not lost because there is a website and guide available that will not only get you started, but basically take you through the process step-by-step.  Simply referred to as “Save My Marriage Today”, it comes highly recommended by us even though we didn’t get a chance to review it until after it was too late.

If you have already come to the decision that you are not going to be able to (or simply do not want to) save your marriage, well then we have a “little” bit more experience with that.  You can skip ahead to the next item on the checklist where we are going to start going over some steps that you need to take immediately, as if a divorce now seems inevitable.

Quick Review of Item #1 of the Divorce Checklist

• A divorce actually begins before any attorneys, courts, papers and/or petitions are involved.
• You must recognize that your marriage is taking a turn for the worse.
• You also need to realize that even though you recognize this as much as you wife does, it is more likely that she will be the one to take action first.
• Now is the time to decide if you want to make the effort that is necessary to try and save your marriage (It is not worth “half-assing” it).
• If you decide to make a go at trying to stop your divorce then you need to take action immediately… Do your Research! (Check out  “Save My Marriage Today”)
• If stopping your divorce is not an option, then move onto the next item on the divorce checklist.
• As always send us an e-mail, if there are specific questions that you cannot find an answer to.

A Divorce Checklist?

When we first started this site years ago and started providing divorce advice just for men, we actually went with a shotgun approach.  Throwing out tips left and right with no real order to them.  On any given day one of us would write about how to choose the right divorce attorney, and the next day we would throw in something about alimony, child custody, even information on how to save your marriage.  That was how this site first started, and before we knew it there were nearly a hundred posts.  All this great divorce advice with no real structure.  We found ourselves answering emails on questions that we knew that we had already wrote about on the site, but even we had a hard time finding them.  That was when we knew that there had to be some major changes.

We actually put a lot of thought into the re-organization of our little divorce site, and talked to as many regular visitors that we could.  Finally we decided that in the beginning of 2010, we would tear everything down and start from scratch.  We determined that the most appropriate format would be a “divorce time-line” or checklist.  This way our visitors could know where to begin when preparing for their divorce or even jump ahead to the point where their divorce was already at.  We would present the major steps of the divorce process and then expand from there about specific tips and tactics that would fall right along with the checklist.

And so the Divorce Checklist was Born…

This checklist is clearly the backbone for our entire site.  Each major step in the divorce process would get an item number.  From there we would expand out on different divorce tips and still be able to move up to the next step at the same time.  We will continue to add an infinite number of tips for each step, but the numbers of steps will pretty much remain the same.  This is good because no matter what little changes are made to the divorce process over time (just like with other legal issues), the defining steps rarely change.

From here on out, our divorce site should not need any more major renovations, but we can still keep you up-to-date by adding or deleting specific divorce tips. Thus in theory, if you happen to be back on the divorce trail again, 10 years from now, you should be able to come right back to our site and it will be just as helpful then as it will be today.

The initial post for each item on the checklist will provide the most basic information on that step, and after going through each item, we will sum it up with a quick review that will cover the most important points.  So if you’re in a hurry, and want to jump ahead to an item on the divorce checklist that is synonymous to where you are at in your divorce, simply read over the quick review and make sure that you have everything covered before moving a head.  It is important that you don’t miss any of the finer details, because even though you may be further on in your divorce, there are some steps that you can go back and complete with only minor repercussions for being late.

As usual all comments our welcome and if you have some advice on how to strengthen the backbone of this site even more, then by all means share it.  I can’t exactly speak for Joe or Mike, but I thrive on criticism. It pushes me to do even better, and since I will be taking up the reigns as the top admin for MensDivorcehq.com, it will make the site even better.

So enough with the babbling about the new structure of site, it is time to get down to the reason why you are here.  And the obvious place to start, making it divorce checklist Item #1, is determining when your divorce starts and if you can (or even want to) doing anything to stop it!